Sharknado 2 has arrived!

In what is probably the most anticipated sequel since The Hangover Part II, Sharknado 2 is here!  And if it’s half as good as that turd, it will still be twice as good as the original Sharknado (see my original review here).

But let’s not forget what we’re watching here. You can’t go into this expecting The Godfather II. Heck, you can’t even go into this expecting Gremlins 2. Because despite appearing to have absolutely nothing in common, those two movies do share one trait: they were sequels to legitimately good movies. Sharknado 2 is a sequel to a piece of crap.  But what’s endearing about Sharknado was that it knew it was a piece of crap.  Why was it embraced more than other Syfy fare like the equally ridiculous Ghost Shark or Piranhaconda (the sequel to Sharktopus, in case you were wondering)?  Better special effects? More intriguing title?  The superior starpower of Ian Ziering and Tara Reid?  Who knows. Likely the result of a perfect storm (pun intended) involving all of those elements. 

I can’t say I remember much about the original other than it involved sharks swimming through streets and houses and any other place you would normally not see a shark. I do remember Ian Ziering chainsawing himself and another girl to safety from the stomach of a flying shark.

Perhaps it wasn’t as bad as I remember.

So Sharknado 2 begins with Fin (Ian Ziering) and April (Tara Reid) on a commercial airliner. The plane gets hit by a shark (I guess this is technically a sharkicane) which knocks an engine off, which then tears a hole in the side of the plane. People are flying out of this gaping hole and the plane is very unstable as evidenced by the extremely shaky cameras, yet Tara Reid’s hair barely moves.  In true Sharknado fashion, the cavernous hole allows sharks into an area where sharks normally shouldn’t be. A few people lose their heads and Tara Reid gets her hand bitten off, making it the second most mutilated part of her body. Fin, the surfing bartender from the original movie, is somehow able to land this huge plane with one engine missing and a giant hole in the side. Somehow, I doubt that's the most ludicrous thing I'm going to see here. Probably the most unbelievable thing in this whole monstrosity is that a character played by Tara Reid wrote a book.

Since at this point in time all storms are apparently assumed to be full of sharks, Fin decides he has to go rescue his splintered family from a Mets game before the river floods and the entire city is overrun with sharks. So, once he gets them out of there, they all head for the most obvious place to steer clear of overflowing rivers and streets filling with water... the subway! A few more people are eaten (one of them inexplicably by an alligator) and suddenly this has become more about spotting the cameos than it is about surviving flying sharks, or whatever I thought it was going to be about. 

A few of the wildly miscast cameos to this point:

Punk rock flight attendant= Kelly Osbourne

Cracked out hippie cop= Andy Dick

Creepy Surgeon= Billy Mays Cyrus (what was with that shoe polished beard?) 

As Sharknado tries to relive some of the familial melodrama that existed in the first movie, there is a scene on the subway reminiscent of the first onscreen pairing of Pacino and DeNiro in Heat. Ian Ziering and Mark McGrath flex some serious acting chops as they ride a subway and discuss dating sisters or something as the threat of sharks raining down on them gives the situation an ominous vibe. Chilling stuff. Speaking of which, wasn’t it just snowing?  Where did all of that go?

In one of the more plausible cameos, Biz Markie shows up as a pizza cook. And Al Roker and Matt Lauer are in this movie more than anyone. It actually feels like I'm watching the Today show and they are occasionally showing Sharknado 2 clips. I mean, I've seen them talk about more stupid things than sharknadoes on the Today show. In fact, any day's Today show would be a worse way to spend two hours than this.

And if instead of taking a shot for every person eaten by a shark, you take one for every cameo, you can get quite drunk.

Jessie Ventura is a prick....


.....now I will be sued for defamation.