Cannibal Zombie Hooker

According to reports, a hooker went crazy and tried to eat the genitals of the man she had gone to dinner with.

I think the most obvious question here is… who takes a hooker to dinner?

Bad 25

Though he’s been dead for nearly four years, I still like to stay on top of any happenings in the world of Michael Jackson, which led me to this article on Bad 25.

Reading that article made me think that I might be having a stroke.  Instead, it appears to be more along the lines of the Newsradio episode "Super Karate Monkey Death Car".

How touching...

In another attempt to scare people into supporting a gun ban, Barrack Obama’s Twitter account retweeted this picture of John Lennon's bloody glasses from the day he was murdered. The photo includes text that more than a million people have been killed by guns since Lennon was shot in 1980.

That’s real nice, but numbers alone don’t tell the full story. How many of those were mere accidents?  You know, accidents that happen to people every day like slipping and falling in the bathtub. Nobody wants to ban those.  The numbers also do not account for people killed while attacking, assaulting or otherwise attempting to harm someone who is carrying a gun. Many of these deaths could be completely justified and may have actually prevented more deaths.

Since 1980, an average of 120, 000 people have died each year from smoking-attributable lung cancer. That is almost four times the number of people who have died from guns. Where is the call to ban cigarettes? Why is the president not tweeting this picture out?

Guns are used for hunting and self-defense while being protected by the second amendment.  What use do cigarettes provide? Their sole purpose seems to be killing people.  They certainly do it more than guns. And I can’t think of any other thing they do besides make your clothes and hair reek and cause house and roadside fires. Guns have a purpose, cigarettes do not.

 And let's not even get into salt...

I’m more terrified of that white suit…

Michael Brown, 'terrified' of going back to jail, sentenced to 180 days

Woman Killed by Lion

No, this isn’t about the California intern who met a similar fate. This story is much better.

And despite a person dying, this may be the best story of the year. It's probably not as much the story itself as it is the brilliant writing style of the International Business Times. According to their report:

A lion killed a woman while she was having sex in the bush with her boyfriend. The woman, identified as Sharai Mawera, was mauled to death in the attack in Mahombekombe, Kariba in Zimbabwe.

 

My first reaction to the story was, "What the heck does this have to do with international business?" But then I realized that it would be impossible for anyone with access to this information not to share it.  My second reaction was, "Zimbabweans getting mauled by a lion while getting it on in a bush? Way to propagate stereotypes, IBT!"

But it gets better:  

Her boyfriend, a fisherman who was not identified, heard the lion roar, MyZimbabwe reported. They had been having sex in a sideways position and he managed to escape wearing nothing but a condom. 

He turned back to see Mawera being mauled and rushed to a nearby road for help.

Who says chivalry is dead?  And I really have to thank the IBT for getting all of the important details for us, right down to the sexual position. And let's be honest, isn't the most shocking thing about this entire story the fact that an African was wearing a condom?

And now it's time for the author of the story to provide some history: 

While big cat attacks in Zimbabwe are fairly rare, another took place near the Zambesi River in 2010, when a man was killed by a pride of lions while he was bathing.

Tourist Pete Evershed was using an outside shower when four or five lions attacked.

 

That does sound like a freak occurrence. However:

A man in the same suburb of Kariba was mauled to death a week ago, police said. They believed he was attacked on his way home from a nightclub.

Now that may be one of the best arguments ever in support of drinking and driving! But let's not get off topic. Back to the story:

Eight villagers were killed over the space of two months and the attacks only stopped when a pride of lions was killed.

 

Wait a second! Didn't the story just say that big cat attacks were rare in Zimbabwe and then rattle off no less than ten recent deaths from just that cause? International Business Times, you just got bookmarked.

Side effects of meth

So a couple of morons went to jail because they got into an argument over who is the better guitarist between Eddie Van Halen and Slash. As if it didn't go without saying, the argument occurred at a Motel 6 in Cleveland. According to sources, the man believed Slash was the better musician while the woman felt Van Halen was superior.

Why not devote your energy to real argument like, say, how much smarter horses are than cows? Especially since anyone with half a brain knows Nigel Tufnel is the greatest ever.