Disturbed

A rapper has apparently cut off his penis and jumped off a building. Unfortunately, it was nobody from the Black Eyed Peas. According to reports Andre Johnson, AKA Christ Bearer of Wu-Tang affiliation, was rushed to the hospital early Wednesday after he cut off his penis and then jumped off a second story balcony in what police believe was a suicide attempt.

This immediately raises a chicken/egg question. Is it more likely that he cut off his penis for some strange reason and then decided with no more penis there is no real reason to live, or did he think that since he has chosen to kill himself that it might be funny to leave a penis behind as some sort of bizarre prank on his roommate (likely RZA, but possibly Ghostface Killah)? That is a question that was already going to keep me up for days, if not weeks. But then Radio.com has to drop this nugget on me:

“There’s also no word on whether or not doctors have attempted to reattach his penis.”

So not only do I now have to wonder about the order in which the decisions of one Christ Bearer occurred prior to him falling penisless from a second story balcony, but now I have to ponder the merits of reattaching his unit.

Scenario 1:
Someone finds Mr. Bearer splattered on the sidewalk around 1am and calls paramedics.  They find that he has cut his penis off but decide that keeping him alive is more important.  The paramedics and doctors work tirelessly to save his life. After a few weeks in a coma, he wakes up to find he is alive. He never planned this. He wanted to die. So now he’s alive with a giant hospital bill staring him in the face.  Oh, and he has no penis.  He’s probably going to be looking for a fourth story balcony in short order, which makes everyone’s work pointless.

Scenario 2:
Doctor’s realize that a man without his crank is not really of use to anyone, so (provided they can locate it), they decide the most important thing to do is to get that penis reattached… STAT! They work meticulously through the early morning hours to ensure that the appendage is seamlessly rejoined only to find out that their patient died two hours earlier from massive head trauma.

So it appears that there aren't too many merits in either saving his life or reattaching his penis. The man was obviously having an identity crisis. We all saw what torment Jan Brady went through, and she was simply the middle of three girls. Imagine what it must be like to be lost in a crowd of 50, 60, or even 100 Wu-Tang members.